Harry Potter and The Morning Nightmare
by jarry
Summary: Harry Potter wakes up one morning, drunk like crazy, next to the most unexpectedly expected person ever. M for language and suggestive themes. R&R please, as this is my first fanfic gasp! :D


The Morning Nightmare

Haha so this is my first fanfic, so don't flame me too much :D I thankfully don't own Harry Potter, thank god for that. It'd be creepy to have some weird volatile 17 year old "magic" kid wearing a leash chained to my bed. :o and R&R please :D

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Opening his eyes, Harry potter groggily woke up. He stared at the blank hotel wall in front of him, and was absolutely astonished to find him sleeping in a red velvet silk bed…naked.

"What did I do last night…" Harry thought groggily shaking his head, "my head feels like I got raped by a horny bull last night."

"That sounds about right, honey" said a drawling voice behind him.

_OH GOD I slept with Malfoy_, Harry thought, fearing the worst.

Turning around, he did not find Malfoy spread half naked over his bed, but instead found a ghostly pale, thin figure playfully draped with silk covers smiling at him.

"Oh my god, I slept with Voldemort…" Harry stuttered…

"mmmm, damn straight you did" purred the dark lord, "and it was…magical"

Harry just stood there shocked, looking something like a retarded moose with a cactus up its arse.

"Yes dumpling, and you were so romantic, when you "defeated" me, its all in the paper," purred Voldemort, and summoned up a copy of the Daily Prophet (don't ask how).

Harry caught the newspaper, and flipped it open. His mouth fell open looking at the headlines

_Harry Potter and the Magic Stick_

Harry, surprised and shocked as hell, threw the paper in disgust out the window.

"I don't want your porn!!" yelled a shrill voice from the street below.

Harry had little time to dodge the returning paper and several pots of flowers sailing through the window.

"Come back to bed sweetie" drawled he-who-needs-to-put-some-clothes-on.

"Ummm… one minute…dear" Harry winced, "I need to use the washroom"

As soon as he got into the washroom, Harry turned on the shower tap. He stepped under the cold water. As the water heated up, Harry tried to remember what he did last night, regardless of his pounding headache.

"Shit, shit, shit" Harry said, banging his head onto the wall. Maybe the wall would help him remember, or at least cure his bloody headache. Around 10 minutes, his head felt even worse, and he still didn't remember a thing. He stepped out of the shower, and wrapped a towel around his waist. Harry stared at his reflection in the mirror.

"I hate you…you…person…you" said Harry, to his reflection

"Haha at least I didn't get drunk and bang a dude" mocked his reflection

"What the fuck did you say??" Harry yelled, reaching out to strangle that smug reflection.

A minute later, Voldemort burst into the washroom to find Harry losing in a wrestling match to a tube of toothpaste.

"ooh-hoo, wild" Voldemort exclaimed, "Exorcisio!" commanded the dark lord (don't ask how he casts his spells without a wand) and a trio of dumbbells materialised and smacked into the tube of toothpaste. A wisp of cackling white smoke flew out of the tube of toothpaste and disappeared through the wall still laughing.

"Damn ghosts" Harry muttered rubbing his head.

"I have to go honey, I have a meeting with the Death Eaters at the Four Seasons Hotel, they have amazing tea-time sandwiches there. Ill see you tonight" said Voldemort with a wink, and apparated.

"Bloody hell" Harry muttered to himself. He walked over to the sink and turned on the sink. The cold water splashed over the porcelain, disappearing into the cheap sink drain. Harry reached in to scoop a handful of water, until suddenly the water burst out and shaped into a hand, it slapped Harry again and again screaming "that's right bitch!" before exploding in a wave of wet, with a familiar ghostly wisp escaping through the ceiling.

"Bloody ghost" Harry grumbled "what's the freaking ministry ghost busting squad doing…" and proceeded to wash his face.

After cleaning up, and looking fairly decent, considering what happened last night, Harry called the check out desk and left the hotel.

"Ginny's going to kill me" Harry weeped.

_Back at the four season's hotel, Voldemort was just bringing his Death Eater Meeting to order. _

"welcome, welcome, I hope you all had a pleasant evening" Voldemort announced to the crowd of evil looking idiots.

"pleasant my arse" said Snape, monotone as always, "you left us at the battle of Hogwarts! You ditched us!"

Voldemort stared at Snape, "wait, didn't I kill you? I swear I did…"

"don't ask how I escaped your foul trap, it's not very pleasant" Snape sourly mumbled.

"I see, well I don't need to kill you anymore" Voldemort said, "I've been defeated by the way, so you guys need to lay low for a while"

A death eater spoke up, "defeated? You're right there, how are you de-"

"AVADA KEDAVRA!!!" Voldemort yelled, pointing his wand at him.

"GAAAAAH!!! I'm in torture!" screamed the death eater clutching his nose.

"Doesn't the killing curse…you know…kill people? Not torture them?" said another death eater.

"CRUCIO!!!" screamed Voldemort, jabbing his wand at that death eater

"AUUUGH!! My kidney!" cried out the second death eater, and flopped off his chair, dead as a dead fish…that's dead.

"Can we get this meeting underway?" said Snape, "if you keep killing all our death eaters we're going to run out of them."

"We won't run out of them," Voldemort grinned (most of the death eater's winced at this sight), "there are always young children in the world to corrupt, that's why we have a portion of our team working in advertising."

"I beg to differ," said another death eater, "not all children can grow up to be super evil masterminds of magic."

Voldemort glared at the death eater, and raised his wand at the death eater. The death eater winced, preparing for his fate.

"Ill let you live," Voldemort said, squinting his eyes at the death eater.

The death eater breathed a sigh of relief

"HAHA JUST KIDDING!!!! AVADA KEDAVRA!!!" screamed Voldemort stabbing his wand in the death Eater's ear.

The death eater exploded in a flash of green light, and was blasted from his chair.

"stop killing members," snapped Snape.

"shut up fish-boy" muttered Voldemort, "I'm old enough to make my own decisions!"

"what the hell" muttered Malfoy

"okay, back to the discussion, I think we should lay low for a while, and strike when the chance is ripe," announced Snape.

"can we take company-paid vacations?" asked Lucius hopefully.

"yeah! I wanna go see elephants" yelled Voldemort happily.

"no elephants!" snapped Snape, "instead I want all of us to go out and hunt for members, since ONE of us likes to kill all of our current ones."

Voldemort gasped, "Who's killing our members?? I'll kill them!"

Snape smacked himself in the forehead, "meeting adjourned."

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Haha k, how was that for a first chapter xD, forgive me for my shizzy skills at writing, and for writing such a disturbing first chapter, if you guys decide I shouldn't burn for the sake of humanity then I might go ahead and write another chapter :D R&R please

';..;'


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